


Oh spare me!

by CaptainZ



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky and Steve try to be sexy and fail, Darcy bails everyone out of trouble, F/M, Multi, Other, Vampires got sold out, bamf!darcy, cliched vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1378771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainZ/pseuds/CaptainZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems like Darcy Lewis owes Bram Stoker an apology for not believing that vampires are real. It's up to our now gothic heroine to save everyone from Dracula's spell or go down in a blaze of sarcastic glory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Here, there be vampires!

**Author's Note:**

> So vampire AU's have been dancing around in my head since Halloween, and finally I have a little time to put them to paper. This is probably going to be a short one, but it's not everyday Darcy gets to be a vampire hunter.

_This could not be happening!_ Darcy thought as she raced through the dark halls on one of the residence floors in the tower. The entire tower had been evacuated and locked down in quarantine as there seemed to be an epidemic of sorts.

 

Apparently, vampires were real and the Mac Daddy of them all, Dracula, had decided to get a hankering for the taste of superhero blood. Dracula had gotten Clint, Pepper, and Natasha in the first wave. 

 

It was a mad scramble to create an antidote when Bruce and Tony were ganged up on and turned. The lab was now where Thor, Steve, and Bucky had been able to contain their fellow teammates for safe-keeping.

 

Thor managed to escape with Jane and vowed to be back to help Steve and Bucky get the antidote to everyone. And since Darcy was voted disposable crewman and she was also the only one who knew how to replicate the serum (Thanks for the chemistry lessons, Bruce!), it was her job to create tranq-type guns with antidote to use on the rest of the team. 

 

Steve and Bucky had made a valiant effort to keep the vamps quarantined in the labs, but by the way they had just appeared in front of her with their suspicious paleness and the abnormal length of their canine teeth, they couldn’t hold the line.

 

“Hello, doll... Where do you think you’re going?,” Bucky purred and eyed her devilishly.

 

Steve was equally as predatory in his stance and look as they both looked her up and down like she was a full course meal. 

 

Darcy had suspected for a while that both boys had had the hots for her, but it wasn’t until this vampiric outbreak that they finally let their inhibitions go about the fact that they both were hot as sin and not afraid to show it. In fact, they seem to be using it against her at this very moment. 

 

Steve seemed to sense that and tensed the muscles in his jaw enough to get her eyes to follow the movement. He smiled at the fact she uncontrollably shivered in response. 

 

Bucky was more of a showboat about his ability to get a rise out of Darcy. She followed the way his eyes grew dark and his whole body took on a hungry attitude. If it wasn’t so terrifying that she was facing vampires, Darcy might actually be turned on.

 

For about a split second, Darcy held the thought that she wouldn’t mind their mouths on her neck even if she had to become one of the undead to get it. But that thought quickly jumped from her mind as they began to approach her oh-so-slowly.

 

“Come on, guys! Remember the plan? Let Darcy make the antidote, cure everyone, and then celebratory sex later? You don’t have to be vampires to get into my pants, y’know. Now just let me go and we’ll fix this whole thing in a jiffy,” Darcy used her diplomacy. 

 

“Doesn’t work that way, sweet thing. The Master wants that antidote and we want you, so it looks like we’re the ones who are going to be getting what we want today. Now just hold still...,” Bucky took a slight lead on Steve and held out his non-cybernetic arm temptingly.

 

“Darcy, don’t make it any harder than it has to be... You know, me and Buck have a thing for a feisty brunette with foul mouth and an excellent sense of humor,” Steve chimed in and stood with Bucky as Darcy tried to gain some distance. He and Bucky exchanged a knowing look before turning their attention back to her. “Last we checked, that was you. So what do you say, honey? Join the Dark Side. We have super-soldiers.”

 

They both smiled, fangs and dilated eyes flashing. At that, all of Darcy’s internal alarm bells rang and she took off running in the other direction, “NO THANKS!”

 

But before she could round the corner, they were there waiting for her. God they were fast! They at first both looked unimpressed, but again developed back to their cat-like curiosity with stalking her.

 

“Goddammit....,” Darcy breathed as Steve crouched, ready to pounce, and holding a look that was almost determined to beat Bucky in being the one to clamp down on her neck.

 

“You look delicious, Darcy. I promise it won’t hurt a bit. Just let me see that lovely neck of yours and it’ll all be over quickly...,” Steve implored sweetly and licked what teeth he could around his fangs. 

 

“Oh _spare_ me! Now you’re both sounding like ridiculous stereotype vamps from every cheesy horror movie every released. Just stop with the cliche’s. I can’t take it anymore...,” Darcy sassed. So sue her that she wanted to go down in a blaze of sarcastic glory. Steve and Bucky start to look like someone kicked their vampiric puppy as Darcy has barely scratched the surface on her rant.

 

“You know, I would really get a kick out of all this if vampires weren’t ruined by every young adult novel ever written. If you want to be Casanovas, be Casanovas. If you want to be vampires, be vampires, but just cut it out with the seduce and snack on the supposedly defenseless victim.”

 

“ ‘Supposedly defenseless’? What does that mean?,” Bucky catches on.

 

“Means I know how to get you back to normal,” Darcy smiled knowingly.


	2. I could use a stake right about now....

“ You can try,” Steve countered, “But we got orders. Orders that won’t end well for you if you choose to resist. It’s be killed or be turned. Your choice. But we’d prefer not to end a life that could be better used serving Lord Dracula.”

 

“ ‘Lord Dracula’? Did you just say that? Oh my god, I really did just walk into the monster mash, didn’t I? Jesus, this is weird....,” Darcy mumbled half to herself and half to whatever sick joke her life had become.

 

“Time’s running out for you, honey...,” Bucky reminded and Darcy had a brilliant idea pop into her head.

 

“Well, there’s no arguing with your logic, boys, but one more thing before you make me a vamp tramp... Which one of you’s going to have the honor of clamping down on my prime real-estate carotid? I think that if both of you did it, it would probably make one of the _permanent_ dead,” Darcy reasoned and saw the wheels turning in their heads as they considered how the could easily suck her dry if both of them ganged up on her.

 

“Well, I can make it hurt a lot less than Bucky here. He’d probably try to rip your damn throat out with how careless he is....,” Steve protested and Bucky got a look on his face that read more like getting stabbed with a wooden stake than being flattered by the statement.

 

“Careless?! You’re the one who always has to play the white knight. The one time I want to get the girl, you swoop in with your chivalry shit!”

 

“You always get the girl, jerk! Do you really not remember all those supposed double dates where you ended up with both girls and me trailing along like some dog on a leash? Of all the---!”

 

“Then you got juiced up and now you have to beat the women off with sticks, Steve! STICKS!”

 

If Darcy didn’t already have a plan to get to the auxillary labs and try to make a call out to Thor, who seemed to be immune to getting vampire bites, she would be enjoying every minute of this ‘who’s prettier than who’ argument. Instead, she manages to make a break to the service elevators and to the lab without being spotted.

 

“Calling Thor! Son of Odin, come in! Thor, you there? It’s Darcy! Thor!,” Darcy managed to patch in to the Avengers private signal.

 

“Darcy! It is so good to hear you are still safe. I have hidden Jane and am returning now. Are Steven and James still holding the line?,” Thor boomed back over the speakers.

 

“I’m afraid they are part of the undead now, Thor,” Darcy stated. She could hear Thor’s disappointment from the way he let out a ragged sigh. “We gotta get the antidote to them quick. So far, I got three units made up. We need a minimum of four more in order to get everybody and a few extras just in case. Look, Thor, I’m running out of time and options. If you could somehow double time getting back here and run distraction, I’ll have enough time to make the remaining units and get them loaded into the guns. Sound like a plan?”

 

“You have my support, my Lady Darcy. I suspect I will be at the tower in a matter of fifteen of your minutes. Hang in there.”

 

Darcy worked double time to grab the dart guns from where Bruce had them squirrled away for his tranquilizers. Fifteen minutes wouldn’t have been so bad if the team hadn’t just appeared outside of the glass doors of the lab, she would have had this whole thing in the bag.

 

“Shit.”

 

“Look at you, Darcy! My lessons have really payed off, haven’t they?,” Bruce sounded odd from his vampiric Hulk form. Who knew all it took was being a vampire for him to finally control his Other Guy.

 

“And it was pretty clever to pit us against eachother. A true mark of tactical genius. Learned from the best, I guess,” Steve chimed in and tapped on the glass like she was a fish in an aquarium.

 

“Look, guys... I would love to have you patronize me all day, but I’ve got to work on making you guys all better. How about you pretend you never saw me, or better yet, stand guard... You never know when Dracula will show up,” Darcy shrugged a little and frantically stuffed the dart cartridges into the barrel of her dart gun.

 

“Yes, you never know when Dracula will show up...,” a foreign voice answered.


	3. Dracula sucks

“God dammit,” Darcy whispered to herself.

 

“My dear Miss Lewis, God has nothing to do with me. And I would appreciate that you refrain from foul language in my presence. I don’t like it when a lady does not use her manners. It affects my appetite,” a thin, ghostly pale figure came into view of the lab and Darcy couldn’t hold back her surprise.

 

Unlike the Bela Lugosi films or every twilight-esque movie or book that ever came out, this Dracula was twenty times more terrifying. His fangs were as visible as they were on the people he turned into vampires, but unlike them, these teeth looked like serrated knives. His eyes had black holes for irises and, like a black hole, they didn’t reflect any light in them, but merely absorbed it.

 

Dracula had matted black hair that came down similar to Bucky’s but looked several decades more decayed and shriveled. The only thing that did attract Darcy’s attention the most was the fact that all though he was grotesque, Dracula held himself like that of a member of European royalty he supposedly was related to. He seemed so confident and charming that it practically oozed out of his orifices. 

 

“Wow. Now I really do owe Bram Stoker an apology,” Darcy muttered.

 

“Bram Stoker was a fool and as ignorant as the rest of these vampire loving flunkies that infest your generation,” Dracula spat and the team seemed to shake a little in his displeasure.

 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t go that far, buddy. He prepared me pretty well for meeting you.”

 

“And yet you seem like you have the adequate amount of fear of me as you should. But there is something different.... You have drive. Drive to free your friends from my curse, no doubt?,” Dracula studied her and paced the perimeter of the lab. 

 

“But my gift is not a curse! I merely take their sense of responsibility and duty and give them the freedom to take what they want. For example...,” Dracula nodded to the Hulk.

“Poor Bruce Banner was helpless to rein in his wild inner self. With my gift, he can be who he chooses and control what he before could not. And the couragous Captain with his eternally loyal companion, Winter Soldier, can have the woman they both desire. I hear you are the one they crave. I do not think they have chosen unwisely. You are as brave, resourceful, and alluring as they described.”

 

“If that was a compliment, I’ve had better,” Darcy sniffed, noticing that the rest of the antidote was done and all she needed was to get it into the guns and get Thor to run interference. Dracula could sense her sudden change in attention and now he was done playing games.

 

“My dear Miss Lewis, I would let the Captain and the Soldier have what they desire most, but your service to me is no longer required,” Dracula announced, “Banner. Kill her.”

 

Darcy could see Steve and Bucky’s concerned faces, but she knew that under Dracula’s power, they could not come to her rescue. Luckily for her, they didn’t need to. At the right moment, Thor was charging down the hallway towards them, "You will NOT harm the Lady Darcy!"

 

It seemed like Dracula had bigger fish to fry... Which gave Darcy the perfect opportunity to open the doors of the lab and shooting pretty much everyone in sight. She could see that as the serum entered their bodies, they were gaining a healthier shade to their skin, but they still looked like they hadn’t slept in days. The plan was working when it was just down to Banner which she managed to shoot him in the ankle, which seemed to (Ironically) be his weak point.

 

Soon, everyone looked like they were on the mend. But the fight was far from over.

 

Thor had managed to repel Dracula, but that didn't stop him from grabbing Darcy and making a run for it. Dracula's bony hands dug into Darcy's ribcage as they made it to the service elevator and were making their way up to the penthouse. 

"You cost me a victory, my dear. A victory I'm honor-bound to take out of your flesh," Dracula hissed, slamming Darcy into the nearest wall in the now locked down penthouse.

"Go ahead, you undead bastard. I'll see you in hell once the Avengers fry you into the shriveled crisp of a corpse that you are!"

"What did I tell you about that rancid mouth, woman?!"

"That you don't touch her," a familiar voice echoed.

Darcy could see Tony had gone back to his old, over-protective self and was ready to do as Darcy had dictated moments before. Both Steve and Bucky were at Tony's six waiting for a way to get Darcy away from Dracula long enough to finish this. 

It seemed to be Darcy's lucky day as she managed to plunge one last antidote dart into Dracula's carotid. He immediately released her and shrieked in the pain that the serum seemed to be inflicting on his body. Bucky took that as a sign to scoop Darcy up and run her into the safety of the hallway and away from Dracula once and for all. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before going back to finish it.

Thor, Banner, Clint, and Natasha had now joined their teammates in getting this undead freak off this plane of existence forever.

"Lady Darcy, Lady Pepper, may I suggest you wait here while we exterminate our pest problem? This might take a while...," Thor gave Darcy a quick hug before heading back into the penthouse where the door shut quickly. Darcy and Pepper waited until the sound of fighting died down and their loved ones came back out a little worse for wear.

"It is done."

"Thank god you guys are okay. I was worried you'd be raiding the blood banks for midnight snack from now on," Darcy tried to lighten the mood.

"Well, we had you to make sure we didn't end up being a cliche straight out of a Halloween special. Thanks, Darce," Clint scooped her up for a hug.

"No problem."

Darcy could notice Bucky and Steve acting skittish before Steve finally said, "Look, Darcy, we --- What Dracula meant--- well--- "

"'I was your every desire'? That I was 'alluring'? Steve, don't worry about having a crush on me. I'm a big girl," Darcy raised her eyebrows and pouted her lips.

"What we really mean is that you are the girl we dream about at night and wake up every morning hoping to see. It wasn't just Dracula who convinced us that you are too valuable to lose. We need you as a hero as much as you need us. And we wouldn't say this 'desire' is so much a crush as an ambition. We want you to get to the point where we mean as much to you as you mean to us," Bucky stated eloquently.

"When did you think you didn't mean anything to me? Not unlike a vampire, my love is forever and, my dears, you had me at first bite."


End file.
